Shopping Interlude (Guest Post By Illythan)

It was the Breaching Festival in Korvosa the day after we arrived. After stepping out of the Naughty Imp I noticed a throng of people gathered around carts and vendors, a massive line going to an unknown destination, and what looked like yummy treats. We all stood at a vendor's cart, ogling the threats, and I decided to try what was called an oliphant ear. Zelara was being hassled by a tattooed man to buy what he called "maxmax," which was some sort of pickled fat of some animal, but it sounded disgusting. It was then that we noticed Eorin was missing, possibly swept up by some passing crowd. After being mildly disgusted by the thought of eating pickled fat, Kyle was being tempted by another vendor to buy what was called reed crackers and he(?) at three of the reed crackers. (After note: do not buy or eat reed crackers.) After doing some other investigation about the festival, we all decided to enter the the "warding contest," but we needed to find the line to sign up. Oddly enough, we were already there as it spanned blocks, possibly even miles. While in line we met Professor Dopplepoplis (I don't know if this is the spelling, but this is what I can guess), one of the divination professors at the Academae. He had all of the paperwork for the contest and explained how it worked. Each of us had to attempt to make it as far as we could into the abjuration building of the Academae. The current record holder had mad a single big toe onto the first step of the building. The paperwork was very boring, but it apparently made us honorary citizens with the caveat of only for the purposes of getting health care if we got hurt in the competition. I noticed that Kyle had bought what looked like a wand from some vendor near the line and this wand was some sort of "pencil eraser" and would erase pencils.


We found out that we had about six hours until the contest started, so we decided to peruse the town, but we immediately were distracted by a Hellknight parade. We noticed Aerodus passing by, but Zelara and Kyle decided to be all annoying by yelling, "hey, Aerodus! Hey," and waving their arms like crazy people. Orias and I tried to hide ourselves in way that said, "we don't know these people." As the parade ended Kyle and myself noticed that our pockets were a little bit lighter. I was very upset and decided to get some "retribution" and made another person's pockets a little lighter, but nobody noticed. Shortly after this everyone but myself at some reed crackers and began to become incredibly inebriated. During this time we decided to visit the Avenue of Arms, which was very cool. I think Eorin would have enjoyed it. While in that area we visited the Firebird Guild which had a gift shop. We all perused the shop and bought things, like action figures, key chains, and other memorabilia. We left and decided to get some food, which helped sober up the others while filling my tummy with yummy foods. The food was some sort of shark fin curry. We were then accosted by ten men, all who had hideous haircuts that were like mohawks except more in the shape of a shark fin. How tacky... These "gentlemen" associated themselves with a gang known as the Sharks and said that we needed to pay them 25 gp per person to pass through their territory. I came up with a brilliant idea of steal the 25 gp from them and just pay it, but apparently they weren't carrying that much money on them. Kyle, in his(?) infinite wisdom offered the gang members drinks to relieve the situation, but the gang members decided that we needed to meet their boss, Frank. Orias decided to sneak off, leaving us all to the whims of Frank, who was a bit crazy. He had even gotten a "Frank Mk.II" created, which was just some tractor golem with his face. Kyle then gave all of the thugs reed crackers, allowed them to get high, and then we all walked out and reconvened with Orias, who had had bought more pullers for the imp that decided to take residence on his shoulder.


After making a trip to the Pantheon of the Many, we noticed that we needed to make it back to the Academae for the contest. The beginning of the contest started with dozens of people rushing off into the fray while we just took our time. As we took our stroll we heard screams from the gardens and we took our time to avoid the traps of the gardens. We finished our way through the gardens and noticed what looked like a 60-foot wide moat, but it was not filled with water. It was filled with zombies. Kyle and I knew that we were going to be really good in this situation, so I used disrupt undead to clear a way for Kyle so he(?) could use Channel Positive Energy. Orias and Zelara noticed as Kyle made his(?) way to the center that there traps that were triggered by living creatures being near them, so Kyle skirted around them. As we all made it to the front of the abjuration building we noticed two others there: a kobold and a human rogue, both of whom tried to use all sorts of means to try and get into the building. Kyle made an attempt to get up the steps and began to think, "I need to get some more of that shark fin curry, it was really good." I made an attempt but suddenly needed to, um, relieve myself of some "excess payload," so I went off to the zombie moat and just did it there. I saw that Orias decided to cast some mirror image-style spell and send the illusion up to the steps, but it didn't really work. Zelara even made an attempt and tried to shoot a grappling hook arrow onto the building but it was just a really bad shot. I feel that Zelara's pride was damaged by that. Kyle tried and failed again. And again. And again and eventually just disappeared. Zelara tried shooting the grappling hook again and it stuck, but when she pulled on the rope it disintegrated. I tried to make it up the stairs again, but I started to get nauseous, and then I tried to use floating disk but it began to shatter as I got closer to the steps. Kyle made it back from where ever he(?) was and then asked the kobold for a bucket of sand and then tossed the sand on the steps in an attempt to try and find a weakness. The sand sort of hovered above the surface and instantly shot back towards Kyle. We also noticed that the rogue almost made it onto the roof, but began to immediately retreat and got stuck in the zombie moat in some crazy sticky stuff. We made a deal where we would get him out and we would then take his two immovable rods. The kobold offered up a universal solvent to us and we then gave it to the rogue.

So, in one last attempt, since the sun was setting and the contest was ending, we went together. The kobold jumped on the back of Orias and oddly enough we made a half of a foot onto the first step and then I blacked out. When I woke up I was being addressed by the Academae members along with my companions. They told us that we had broken the previous record and that we would receive a group of prizes. First, we had an amount of money donated to the charity or temple of our choice. Second, we a free scholarship to the Academae which either we could use or give to a family member. Third, we got free shipping and handling for magic items that we order from Korvosa and we could order things via message and receive things within five to ten minutes. Fourth, we got 25% off all scrolls and wands. Lastly, we got what appeared to be some dingy cart, but there when you enter it there is an extra-dimensional space inside of it with small living areas.

Dancing and Darkness

Illythan and Orias make idiots of themselves trying out the dance to open the door– Orias not so much because he's using an illusion spell and not really doing it himself. None of our attempts (even when rolling a 22) were successful. Eorin cast Eagle's splendor and guidance on Illythan, but it still did no good. The Hell-knight, Aerodus, thinks we're all idiots. And then we sang a song about trapeze artists. Graham threatened to cock-slap us, so we got off our bikes.

After an hour of dancing, Illythan finally got it right, and the face laughed at us (and really, we deserve it) and the mouth stayed open. There was a very dark hallway, with another door. Made of wood and iron, with a lock. Orias set off a trap when trying to pick the lock. He did not dodge and got sprayed in the face with acid. Then the trap re-filled. Orias looked a little closer and figured out where the lock is actually, instead of the fake trap lock. He tries again and successfully opens the door.

Darkness blooms from one spot in the room, indicating magical darkness. Eorin casts “light”on a rope, and they leave the hobgoblin to hold the light end in the doorway. Illythan figures out it's a Thassilonian version of the “darkness” spell to not only make it permanent, but also will restore itself if you cancel it. Kyle goes to investigate, holding onto the other end of the rope.

The rope stops moving, but hasn't fallen, and Kyle doesn't answer when called for. However, no resistance when the rope is tugged on gently. Eorin follows, and disappears in a similar fashion. ((Eorin's P.O.V: A voice asks: What is your dream? Eorin answered: To become a priest of Pharasma)) After a few moments, Zelara went in after Kyle and Eorin. She doesn't come out. After waiting a few minutes, and discussing if they should just abandon the others or not, Orias gets kicked in by Gansukh, and Illythan follows. A voice asks them “what is your dream?”

The darkness ends up only being paper thin, and the party emerges on the other side in the order they entered, finding a room with extremely accurate maps, a globe, texts on Pharasma, maps pointing out locations in Ustalav and books on phylacteries, a small box, and an arcane mark on the ceiling. Illythan pockets the box. The arcane mark may have belonged to one of the Thassilonian Rune-lords of pride. Arcane marks are usually only visible via detect magic, but Orias could just see it without.

A butler comes through – construct (maybe homunculus) w/mustache, pipe, green cardigan, but no pants. He calls everyone “Wesley” and his name is “Mr. Butlernoculus.” He has a butt, but no genitals. Instead, he has a knob/handle type thing that he refuses to talk about, despite Zelara's questioning, because it's rude. Signs say it's okay to look & touch, but not take the things in the room, except for notes. Illythan attempts to leave to go and let Gansukh know that the party is okay and will take a while to copy down the information we found. It takes significantly longer going back out than it took going in. He exits, and tells Gansukh that everyone is not dead.

Meanwhile, the party nerds out and takes notes/ copy the maps. Illythan gets Aerodus to lug a grandfather clock under the door so Gansukh doesn't have to hold it up anymore. Gansukh glares at Illythan, then glares at the darkness. Illythan tries to get Aerodus to take some time off, upon which the Hell-knight reminds him they are hunting an army. They have a discussion about the necessity, or lack there of, of R&R.

Aerodus grows tired of the dilly-dallying and goes into the darkness. Illythan re-enters the darkness as well, and answers the “dream” question with “I want to find my father to kill him.” Illythan emerges into the room and finds a pistol on a desk with a note “Put the barrel to the globe on the name of this town.” Illythan asks Eorin what the name of the town was, Eorin replies, and the globe spins, with a pinpoint appearing on the town. He puts the barrel to the globe and pulls the trigger. A hole appears through the globe to a town in Qadira. The holes in the globe heal.

Illythan reveals that Aerodus went into the darkness before him, and hasn't appeared in the room. Kyle leaves the room, and discovers the hobgoblin gone and sees on the clock that a few days have passed. Kyle searches for Gansukh, and can't find him, even after asking the frog for help. The hell-knight is no where to be found either. No longer raining outside. Kyle checks on the horses that are unhappy because they're running low on food. There's smoke in the distance, probably about a weeks ride away.

Kyle writes a note and wraps it around a rock and tosses it into the room. It tells the party that time is moving faster on the outside. Party leaves immediately (Eorin got ¼ of the way through the religious texts), but it really takes 30 minutes for them to emerge from the darkness. We decide we need to find the army, hell-knight, and hobgoblin. Zelara decides to stay and make sure the horses don't die.

Eorin re-enters and says his dream is to find Aerodus. Eorin finds the hell-knight in the darkness, who reveals the handbook says they are not tell personal information to mysterious voices that cannot be identified. Eorin leads him out of the darkness.

Kyle goes in to find Gansukh and is teleported to a mysterious country – Gansukh had said his dream was to go home. Kyle says goodbye and goes back into the darkness, but something latches onto zer back just before ze steps through.

Illythan goes into the darkness asking where the 8^th Army of Exploration is, and finds the room with only the desk, globe, and pistol on it. He follows the same instructions as previously, but the hole spreads like veins over the globe. Blood spills out at points in Garund, Avistan, and within the Dragon Empires (Tianxia). One of the towns is “Melancholy Hill.”

Everyone re-emerges 30-45 minutes later. There is something horrible on Kyle's back, it may be a small child. Eorin figures out it's an oni (aka ogre mage). It speaks Tien, but despite pleas to let go, it refuses. It gets lighter when Kyle walks around. The oni demands piggy back rides and to go home. Kyle returns to the darkness, and says zer dream is to take the oni home and get it off zer back. Kyle exits the darkness into a horde of orcs, with a wall to zer back instead of the darkness. The oni is not letting zer go. The orcs look surprised. It's a shrine to Lamashtu, and tent is full of female orcs: Kyle came in during a birthing. Kyle exits and finds zerself in an orc camp. Kyle helps an orc woman birth a litter. They assume Kyle is an avatar from Lamashtu. Kyle finds the darkness exit and leaves.

Two hours later, Kyle returns, the oni still on zer back. Kyle has accepted zer fate, and we move on.

The party decides to ride toward the smoke as Illythan tells the party how royally fucked we are, b/c the 8^th Army of Exploration is traveling through the “under-dark” to span the globe. Illythan remembers 7 towns specifically and points them out on Kyle's map – Eorin identifies the names and Aerodus relays the information to the hell-knigts via the imp-skull radios. The hell-knights tell us to report back to Korvosa.

The party decides to investigate the smoke (week away) first. We avoid an encounter with bandits because the Oni scares them away. The party makes it to Podunk a week later (we've been there before). The oni has yet to dislodge, so Kyle sleeps very uncomfortably. It gets heavier the more you pull on it to try and get it to dislodge. It's an evil, native outsider.

The entire town of Podunk has burnt to the ground, all 4 buildings. There are corpses and skeletons on the ground. There are three people not found (no child corpses and no corpse near a shovel). The wood-cutter, his son, and Starchy the Grave-digger might be okay. The party investigates the wood-cutter's house, and find him home. He has a cross-bow and uncouthly points out the “horrible monkey” on Kyle's back.

He saw the town burnt down. First thought they were orcs & the guards took care of it. Then more came with weird sticks that shot fire (flame-thrower) & armor we identify as belonging to the 8^th Army of Exploration. They gave no reasons and said nothing, just killed and burnt everything. The party goes to the mausoleum Starchy converted into a workshop. It smells of moon-shine. Starchy has horns and a tail, and before the party can kill him, the wood-cutter tells us that Starchy dresses up as the devil for the autumn festival (which was they day of the attack). The head-band holding the horns on soon becomes apparent.

The party takes time to bury the bodies & say rites. We return to the haunted house to use the darkness to travel to Korvosa. We pop out of the alley next to the Naughty Imp. Korvosa has a unique population of vermin, Imps which flood in from the Academy, and pseudo-dragons whose migration path is through the city, and the two clash in the air and kill each other as often as possible.

Kyle goes to the Academy to see if they can help get the oni off zer back. The Academy is guarded by Tieflings. Guards get Captain Normandy, who borrows one of Kyle's arrows and tickles the oni off Kyle's back. Oni gives Kyle a belt (+2 str & dex). Man walks off with the Oni, and tells Kyle to stay put to fill out paperwork. Creepy ass wizard brings Kyle a receipt to fill out, and then gives Kyle a box. Wizard says it's part of their exchange program. There is something alive inside, but Kyle is too nervous to open the box all way open. There's a very large beetle inside. Wizard doesn't know what it is either, and leaves Kyle with the box o' beetle.

Eorin recognizes it as being similar to a large beetle that crashed in Ustalav 22 years ago, which originated in Geb. It bites Eorin when he picks it up. Kyle and Zelara have better luck. The party argues about if they should just let it go or not. A person at the inn refers them to Miss Ares, who is always looking for rare and exotic animals. The party brings the beetle to her. Eorin geeks out at the animals in the menagerie and natters off facts to the party. Miss Ares isn't there, but the butler buys the beetle from us for 20k gold.

The party decides to spend the night at the Naughty Imp.

The thing that bothers/worries you is....” Count: 2

“Here comes the fun part...” Count: 1

“The good news is.....” Count: 1